I wrote this some moments ago, trying to describe what I was feeling. Sometime I get in this state where I’m anxious af but I’m also sort of calm. I don’t really know how to explain it.

I feel like I have to keep myself together. Slow movements, short steps, a bit crooked, I tremble. My muscles are tense. Every problem I can think about is solvable, and yet I have this feeling that there’s something big I’m missing. What if I get something wrong? It’s the end. I feel like I’m falling to pieces. I’m going on by dint of duty: I have to send that email, I have to eat. I finish something and there is always something else, and it always has a deadline. I feel like I have to keep myself together.