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Narcistic, gaslighting mother and dead father. I was the one running the household (including way too many pets) but my mother happily took credit for everything.
Took me almost 20 years to finally snap, when she bought yet another dog and got angry at me for not being happy about it (we had 4 dogs, 5 cats, 9 ducks, a goat, 3 guinea pigs and 2 bunnies at the time, and I was working a full-time job so “we” could pay rent). She managed to convince the rest of the family that I was the bad guy. None of them even bothered to ask for my side of the story.
I took all animals to a sanctuary (as I didn’t want innocent pets to suffer because of her negliegience) except for one very old dog and the most agressive cat which I took with me (as they would have had very bad chances of finding new owners) and moved away.
NGL, it was very weird and it took me 2-3 years to acclimate, but I’m better off now. It’s astounding what lots of spare time and 90% less responsibility can do for one’s personal wellbeing.
I know from mutual friends that her bubble of lies has finally popped and most of my other family members refuse to talk to her now … but the “best” part is that none of them has reached out to me yet and they’re getting angry that I don’t try to mend things with them “because we’re still family” and since I was the one who left, they expect me to be the one to make the first step. They honestly feel like I have wronged them and need to apologize.
I am done being the “bigger person”. They can rot for all I care. Leaving that situation was one of the best decisions in my life, and sometimes I honestly wonder why it even took me so long to realize that this was not a “normal” life.
I am proud of all of you
Cut out my mother a few years ago and I’m doing pretty great. No more anxiety at family gatherings or random guilt tripping phone calls. It’s amazing the behavior you recognize when you’re no longer subject to it.
She was/is very manipulative and I’m hoping that my siblings eventually figure it out too. Two of them are firmly on her side while the other 2 remain neutral. I’ve explained to them my situation and they’re all old enough to do with that information as they will.
There’s no chance for reconciliation and I’m ok with that. This is the most I’ve been at peace in my life, so no regrets.
This sounds eerily like my exact situation. It’s only 3 other siblings for me though. I’ll have to see her in roughly a month at my sister’s wedding though. Kinda nervous, not gonna lie. But as you said I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been. Wife, kids, and I are all solid and growing together without that toxic cycle weighing us down anymore.
It was one of the greatest decisions we have ever made. We cut out my wife’s parents and siblings. They’re all raging narcissists and cutting the toxicity has greatly improved our lives. Our only regret is not doing it sooner.
TLDR; Great. Better every day. Learn how to know who you can trust.
Had to cut out my wife’s brother and sister-in-law (SIL) about 18 years ago. SIL was manipulative and controlling. Brother would mostly get bad news from SIL and lies about my wife and I.
For a long time we went along with it, until after several failed attempts for my wife and her brother to reconcile, I had to draw the line.
Wife came home shattered again because her brother did something hurtful when she had already accepted the blame for something SIL did.
Wife’s other sister called (who is actually a sane, intelligent, kind human being) accusing me of preventing my wife from being in contact with her brother. I calmly asked her if she really thought I was the kind of person that would (or could) stop my wife from talking to her own family. After a few angry moments she calmed down and I asked her “why did you think I would do that?”. Her answer: “SIL said you did.” I told her “Call my wife. Ask her if I ever told her she couldn’t talk to anyone.” Then I proceeded to tell her what her brother had done and SIL’s lies. Now she’s on my side.
SIL was blowing up my phone at work, and during my drive home. I know what she wants. I ignore her while I try to calm down, spoiler alert: it doesn’t help much.
I get home before my wife and I call SIL. We have words. Loud angry words. I tell her never to call again. Ever. Loudly and with finality.
Wife comes home towards end of the call. I’m literally shaking with pure rage, which I’ve never done before or since.
It took some time for my wife to really accept that as long as SIL is alive and married to her brother, she can’t have a relationship with him. He will always, always be SIL’s meat puppet.
I didn’t have to do anything beyond reminding her of their last meeting to prevent her from trying to reach out.
Wife has been better every day since we cut ties. If you, or anyone you know is connected to one of the toxic personalities, I implore you to learn how to know who you can trust.
If someone hurts you more than helps you, cut them loose. You don’t have to do it angrily or loudly like I did, but however you do it, know that life without those people is better than life with them.
I just want to say thank you for taking up for your wife like that.
Appreciate the kind words. I suppose It’s not as common as it should be.
Wow. How do you ya’ll handle family get-to-gethers and holidays?
It was hard at first, mainly because we didn’t know how to handle it. Ultimately we had to let everyone else know what we did and why. Easier said than done.
We told them we wouldn’t be coming to any event where they would be present and stuck to our decision. This was the hardest part. We also had to let them know we were okay with it if they still wanted to have a relationship with her brother and SIL, and ended up having our own separate get togethers with other family members.
Took some time to get everyone onboard. Once we did, others started seeing what her brother and SIL were doing.
Wife had to remind them not to mention her brother or SIL. Not to forward any messages and not to give them our phone numbers, email addresses or mailing address.
Looking back, it wasn’t apparent how bad things were when we were in the middle of it. Now I wish we had cut ties right after we were married.
In my opinion, no amount of family pressure to meet is worth exposing ourselves to the toxicity her brother and SIL could dish out.
Her family wasn’t there when my wife would cry at night after her brother did or said something hurtful. I was.
Her family didn’t work for weeks to cheer her up when her SIL lied to another family member causing an upset. I was.
At the end of the day, members of your family are either going to support you or tear you down. If they don’t support you, they are enemies.
It doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. You can win by simply withdrawing completely.
They win when they upset you. Your despair literally encourages them to continue upsetting you.
Don’t communicate. Don’t give in. But also, don’t hold a grudge. You can forgive someone without falling into the same trap that got you in a bad place.
You have a right to surround yourself with people who will support your goals.
Tell the family members that support you that you appreciate your support. Don’t let anyone make light of their actions.
It doesn’t matter if ‘they had a rough upbringing’ or ‘they have a hard life’. It’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason to let them get away with it. Lots of people had a “rough upbringing” and a “hard life”, but they don’t tear others down to make themselves feel better. Family members who can’t see this may also be problematic to associate with, because they can’t see the problem.
If you can’t see the problem, you’re bound to contribute to it.
You get to choose who you spend your time with.
You might be related, but you don’t owe anyone control over you.
You are your own person.
Great! I cut my father out a few years back. He was emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and a compulsive liar. I briefly tried letting him back in, trying to set real firm boundaries, but it was just the same old shit - him throwing a giant temper tantrum whenever he didn’t get what he wanted. I cut him out, again. I’d get the occasional nasty voicemail or email from a a new number or email address, whining about how I was an ungrateful child and “his counselor said adult children should do what their parents tell them” (riiiiight) but mostly didn’t hear from him.
Then he died of COVID, being an idiot antivaxxer, and life has never been better. Honestly, I wish he had died years ago. It’s fucked up but he’s been a cancer on our family all along and we’re all doing better now that he’s dead.
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Cut my dad out a few years ago. Every now and then I hear something that makes me want to call and rage at him. But it’ll never be worth the agony of knowingly letting him back into my life, the memories that I’m finally starting to get over.
I have a father in law and a boss who have shown me what a fatherly figure could be, and I’m shocked every time something goes wrong and it’s not the start of the round bell ringing.
My boss is going to die sometime in the next year, is his third time through cancer and he’s not pursuing heavy treatment, I’ve known him for 3 years and I’ve already cried more at the thought of not having him going forward, I’ve not shed a single tear after cutting my dad out. I’ve shed tears learning of the things he used to do, and tears wishing I’d spoken out.
If there’s someone toxic in your life, and you have a group of people who understand you, that you trust, understanding and trust go so much further than manipulation anxiety and fear.
No contact with my father for over a year, in a much better place mentally and physically.
I didn’t cut out a family member, he cut himself out. My older brother, who was an absolute delight of a human ended his life in Hilo about 5 years ago and had before that gone 3 years with zero contact with his family with no explanation. I’m still mad at him for that. Just wish you had said anything, bro.
Been 20 years since I left my entire family behind. Occasionally text my step sister and an uncle but that’s it. No regrets at all. I barely have enough time for all the people I choose to have in my life now, certainly no time for all the petty white trash baggage that it still sounds like they all subject themselves to.
It’s been about 8 years since I spoke to my parents, and about 12 since I spoke to my younger brother. They were all different forms of abusive, addicted, and mentally ill, and life without their bullshit is so much nicer. I don’t have to listen to tirades about how my interests are wrong, or how I didn’t turn out to be the perfect daughter. I don’t have to pretend to accept apologies that are only to make someone else feel better. And I don’t feel pressured to make sure that my mother isn’t feeling hurt or put out by something I do that literally has nothing to do with her.
It was rough for the first few months, but I’d already grieved for the relationships that I wished I’d had and never got. I’m a lot happier without them, and much more able to care for my mental health now.
Better than when I was in touch with them. I don’t talk to any of the extended family on my mom’s side because they’re all the absolute worst - racist, misogynistic, homophobic, just all around hateful. They didn’t bring anything positive to any situation, and cutting them out has made things so much more peaceful.
I do sometimes wish that I was related to decent people, because it’ll basically just be me alone when my mom dies and that sucks, but we don’t get to pick our relatives.
Bullshit. Go pick your relatives. The family you create is far better than the one you’re assigned.
100% agree with JokeDeity: Blood relatives =//= family. Family are the people you can trust, people you enjoy having around, people you want to have in your life.
Just because someone happens to share some DNA with you, doesn’t automatically mean that they’re family. You owe them nothing.
I assume you mean, how is the relationship, not how am I doing in life? I’ve done about 95% of cutting my dad out of my life, usually just end up regretting the leftover 5% I’ve kept in place. He’s been an asshole my entire life, but ever since Trump I find it hard to even have a conversation with him. I’m better off without him for sure. Which fucking sucks because he’s the only family that actually lives close to me.
She died and I’m still here. We chalk those up as a win.
