So, I have friends that, in this capitalist world, they are forced to often be very busy and have little time to socialize with me. Although sometimes, I wonder if it’s because they secretly hate me. But yet, at the same time, when they do message back, they always apologize to me for not messaging back, and they never have anything bad to say about me.
Often, I fear that, every time someone says they don’t hate me, they are actually lying. I for one, can’t see why they are so fond of me, and I can’t think of any positive things to say about myself. I am boring. I am going into accounting, and I have Autism. My special interest is in Fairy Tale Retellings and making them better than that of Disney.
My friends never seem to have a bad thing to say about me, and yet, they are so busy that, if they do have a lover, or other friends, I am often seeming to be on the backburner, or at least that’s what it feels like.
So thus, I am forced to go often weeks without talking to another human being, where I am too shy to make any kind of conversation with anyone. I often spend my days talking to myself, having theoretical conversations with myself and my several imaginary friends. To pretend that someone would be fond of me, unless my online friends actually are fond of myself.
Either way, the gist of is… is that I seem to be suffering from the void of capitalism, it’s uncaring, heartless nature, and that it seems to be consuming the free time of my online friends.
So what do you think? Could they secretly hate me, or is my mind starting to finally crack from being lonely, friendless and loveless my entire life (I am 24 and had no friends until last year)?
Up until about your age, I had a bunch of friends who were people from my college housing area whom I kinda just knew in passing. The first year or two of college was full of people chasing careers, largely on a gust of privilege. Maybe I’d gone to very conventional frat parties and gotten drunk with them. They would greet me and wave, but had no deeper relevance to me. Most of it was very impersonal, with the sense that if they left my life or vice versa, they would just be another person I knew by the faint memory of a first name and a face.
What changed? I started interacting more with the nerds in my department at the university, environmental groups, punks at punk houses, and especially the local anarchists, and ever since then I couldn’t be happier with the friends I made, who were better aligned with me and more permanent. I went from feeling like some kind of novelty in high school and much of college, to deep ties ever since then.